Back in the groove....

It has been a very long year. Some think that may mean a bad year, but it is not at all what I am trying to portray. It is just a year... of learning and more discovering who I am. (Do we ever really get there?)

Well, THE BIG NEWS!!! I am a GRANDMA... or as it is known to my grandbaby... I am Grammy! I thought it might bother me to be called Grandma... am I really that old? However, it doesn't bother me at all. The name Grammy is cute and it is fun, yet if I am called Grandma, that is A.O.K with me as well.

SHE is a doll baby. She smiles and slobbers and giggles and she bites. YES... she bites... she just bit me yesterday. She flashes me a grin afterwards and somehow it feels like all is well in my world with a throbbing finger with bite marks in it.

Bella Jo fits beautifully in my world... our world. She is loved by all who meet her. She is precious and I am just in awwwww I have a child with a child. She is a bald little princess that is slowly but surely getting a few curls here and there. She has people wrapped around her finger. She is a fashion diva and a heart stealer. She is a Bella Bean, Ms. Green Jeans, Bella Boo, Pee Pee Butt... Silly Jr Sis, Puddin Pie, Sweety Petey, Pumpkin Pie... need I go on? She is my daughter's daughter, and even as I write this, I tear up over that fact. My off spring has an off spring. WTHeck???? Where did my moments slip off to? But most of all, she is a miracle, as all children are. She is a child of God... and I am blessed to have her in my life.

Her Uncle Taylor makes her laugh. It makes me smile seeing how although his autism rules his world, he loves... and he loves her... and she adores him. My heart fills with pride and affection at this very fact. I am blessed. Carlie... for six years old.. she is the best Auntie around. Can you imagine? She is so dedicated to loving Bella and being a kind Auntie. They will grow up like sisters I am sure. There just is nothing wrong with this...

So Here it is... a new chapter to life as I try to start my blog again with all of my thoughts... and my life to share... blessings in your lives.... Wendy

A baby shower...

These are little diapers that I made to hold the nuts and mints in. You can't see very well, but they are pink with little white polka dots on them.


Just setting up... preparing

What we served lemonade out of. It looked so nice and was perfect. I bought it for Amanda last year. It matched perfectly...



I loved this shot of the pearl colored pink balloons to mark our spot.

Pink roses for Mandie and Bella.

The spread, or part of it... Spencer's mom did a great job on a wonderful potato salad, and a pasta salad with a tray of fruit as well. I brought the veggie tray, a caramel apple salad, a curried rice salad, and a baked potato salad. We bought chicken as well. It was a nice picnic lunch for everyone. We had lemonade and Spencer's mom brough bottled water as well. There was the cutest cake that someone from Amanda's work made for her. It was amazingly cute.

The cake Amanda picked out was precious...

The book for Bella and what Amanda's dad wrote in it. His words are always wise.

A candid shot. I caught her looking at Bella again. Makes me well with tears at times.

After I had Carlie I really missed my tummy for this reason... I didn't know what to do with my hands anymore. That had gone there for so very long. I wonder if she will miss that as well.


Amanda and Carlie... Carlie loves to talk to Bella... it is precious...

Amanda and her friend Aime. Very kind lady and a good friend to Mandie.

Aime, Amanda and Carlie eating some lunch in the sunshine. A perfect day for the picnic.

Catherine, Amanda, Natalie and Rochelle. These are some of Amanda's friends as well. She lived with Catherine and her husband Garrett for about a year. That is how she knows the other young ladies as well.

Amanda and Jamie. Amanda met her while working at Wachovia and they have remained friends along the way.

Aime was cute and always touching Mandie's tummy. It was so precious to watch. Amanda is blessed with friendships and some people that really care.

Everyone wanting to touch Little Miss Bella (not to be confused with Little Mint, in which Carlie plans on naming her daughter when she is a mommy.)

Sometimes there are just things in life that there are no words to fit the way you really feel or what you see. Many times like this for me... which seems odd as I am very much a talker and people think that there are never a loss for words from me. However, they are wrong... I just don't let them know this secret.

The sunsets in Alaska. My parents lived in a home that overlooked cooks inlet. I could sit on their front porch and look at the sunsets over the water. They had these gorgeous colors that were so bright and vivid. I was young and didn't realize many things in life yet (do we ever really get there) and yet, at 19, I could appreciate that beauty. I would sit in silence and simply think. It sucked me in... I was at a loss for word by the beauty.

My son being diagnosed with autism. Another example. There are no words to describe how that feels. There are so many struggles with it. His milestones to some probably seem pretty small, yet to me, they mean so very much. I can't put my love or admiration for him down on paper or verbally say them as there simply are no words. He is my hero in every sense of the word seeing him work through his life challenges. I love him beyond words, as I do my girls.

Hearing that you have cancer... no words to tell one how that really feels... scared, alone, terrified... another one of those moments.

When my five year old grabs my face and says you are the best mommy ever and kisses my cheeks... then skips off and asks me if that filled my bucket... (bucket meaning feelings, did she make my feelings so happy it went to the top of the bucket...) and I know how loving and sweet she is. I just have no words.

Well this weekend is a time I had no words yet again.

My oldest daughter Amanda is having a baby. Her name is Bella. Bella Jo as a matter of fact. She is scheduled to make her arrival on September 19, and we all know how that goes... we aren't sure when she will get here.

Her baby shower was this weekend. We had a shower for her. Her soon to be mother in law helped out with bringing a couple of salads and fruit and water for those that didn't want lemonade... which is good as it was a hot day. All of the rsvps were in, and about a third of the people didn't show even after they rsvpd. It was sad, why do people do that? It is frustrating. However, the day went well anyhow. The people that truly love her and wanted to be there for her were and that is comforting to know.

She was beautiful, as she always is. She had this little mama glow to her. She was nervous. She doesn't like receiving so much. My kids are all givers. They don't receive the best and get shy when kindness is bestowed upon them. She blushed and was at a loss for words at the kindness shown to her. The gifts were one thing, but her knowing that she was loved and cared for by others really made her speechless and she started to cry at one point. It was touching and I am so proud of the young woman that she is. Kind, honest and true to her word. She is loving and giving. She is thoughtful and precious. She has built walls up but under the walls from hurt... is this brilliant diamond, that shines and has people attracted to her laughter and the way her eyes dance, and that gorgeous smile that had braces for 4 years... ha... she hated that.

As I watched my daughter with her friends and loved ones I sat back and thought. This is one of those moments that there are no words that will ever touch the way I feel or felt that day. We try all our lives to be these fantastic role models and we often question our parenting. Did we give 100% of ourselves to our kiddos? Did we make the right choices by not letting them have what everyone else had just to be cool? Did we have too many rules for them to abide by? Did we tell them we loved them enough? Did we laugh with them enough? Did we teach them that crying is okay and good for the soul? Did we tell them that our words are everything to pick them wisely? Did we teach them to keep their word? Did we teach them the meaning of true friendship by example and doing kind things for those around us? Did we teach them to help in the community and to not be racist or sexist? Did we teach them that loving and being loved is the most wonderful thing in the world and it is not to be taken lightly? Did we teach them that there is always time to sing and dance... even if we are cruddy at either of them... (thank Goodness we are good dancers...ha... and she has the voice that is so beautiful.)

I sat and looked at my daughter and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she will be the best mommy yet. I know she will be kind and gentle and give with her heart and soul to Little Miss Bella Jo. I knew I may have made mistakes on the way, but I taught my daughter the value of friendship and loving others and not abandoning them when they are needed. I know she will be the best she can be. This sounds like I am putting it all in words doesn't it... but truly I am not, as there are no words that can tell you just the way I feel. These words seem so small and so weak in comparison to how my heart feels.

So I am at a loss for words yet again, and yet, I know that the first time Amanda Michelle gets to hold her baby, she too will be sitting there, taking it all in, and not having words to tell anyone just how her heart feels. Here is a girl that never wanted kids for fear she would let them down, and in my heart I know she is going to be a wonderful mommy.

Cheers to parenthood... cheers to Mandie... and cheers to Ms Bella Jo. Another princess in my life, right up there with Miss Amanda and Miss Carlie...

My grandpa lived on a farm. A farmer all his life. He lived in the country... but the city grew rapidly (Spokane WA) so it was right next to him within miles... He lived up on a hill and he had a farm, (obviously if he was a farmer) and he had soooo much land out there. They were all wheat fields. We used to spend our summer days out there on the combines collecting wheat and working and playing on the farm. Mostly playing as the combines were so hot... but my dad and uncles would let us ride with them. I mostly liked to be in the kitchen cooking and that always stuck with me. He didn't have a lot of animals... just enough for him and my grandma as they got older. Enough to live off of and some to give to his kids and the neighbors. But, wheat... he always had wheat... fields and fields of it.

He was a collector of *junk*... mostly cars. He always felt he would have enough time to repair these cars so he would get them and they went in this empty part of land behind the barn. There, he had the gem that brings back the most memories to me... an old milk truck with the big drum cylinder on it... It was HUGE. At night in the summer, we used to climb to the top of that truck and it overlooked the huge city of Spokane. All the lights. I knew I had the best of both worlds at those moments... the beauty and activities of such a big city... but I was tucked away at their small farm home. We could see fields and fields of wheat from up there too... and smell the cow pasture. We used to sleep out on the front lawn as well... no tent... just in the open air. It actually got kind of scary at times, but I never let onto that. There would be coyotes howling at night...and I would wonder if they would find me and eat me for dinner.

My grandpa died of cancer. He was at my wedding, when he should not have been... as he was at deaths door. My first clear memory of my grandpa was dancing around the kitchen on his feet... we would dance and dance and he would let out big belly laughs... and we would giggle and I would beg for one more dance. My grandma was mean and didn't like me ever... not ever, but my grandpa loved me. She would try to rush him out the door and he would say not til I get one more dance with my girls. In later life it was with his girls as my little sister would be there as well, or my cousins... and we would dance again. My last memory of him was at the wedding. He insisted on going to the reception too. Again he should have been at home in bed. He had just had surgery on his neck where the wound was now bleeding. My grandma made a big deal of it and it made him feel bad. I told her to leave him alone... and let him just be... to just absorb the surroundings. My dad and uncles were never allowed to play music at home much... they were too busy with chores and what not... no time for music when you live on a farm with the fields and crops the size that they were. His farm then was large too... anyhow... my last memory that I treasure from him... is at my wedding. He was really really weak. He came up and asked me to dance. I asked if he really should... then I remembered my words... of course he should dance. The song was unforgettable by Nat King Cole. We danced... and we didn't talk. I just bawled. The music was done... and I released him from my grip... to pull away as the song ended... but he held on. The next song started up again... and it was the song I Got You Babe by Sony and Cher. He knew the words. He knew every word and he sang them as we danced. To stop myself from crying and ruining all my makeup... I started to tease him... he was listening to music when the boys didn't get to. He knew this song from when my dad was young. HE GAVE OUT THAT HUGE BELLY LAUGH and admitted to me that he had a radio in his shop that the boys would sneak in and listen to... and he listened to it regularly.

I spent one more visit with him after the wedding at his house. He slept most of the time I was there. It was okay... I was at peace knowing he needed that rest. He would dose in and out. I would rub his arm, and he would rub my hand. There were no belly laughs that day... When it came time to go... I just couldn't. I couldn't leave. It took two hours to get to my car. I would walk a few feet and he would tire. We would rest. He insisted on walking me out as he always had. He even asked how the oil was in my car... such my grandpa. We knew it would be our last goodbye. It was evident. How do you say good byes like that? I surely do not know to this day. We would walk and I would need to turn and just hug him. We would cry. I would walk a few feet and he couldn't go any further, so he would call me back. We would cry. This went on for, like I said... nearly two hours. I told him how much I loved him and thanks for being a great man in my life. He sobbed. He told me I was a country princess... loving the farm life in high heels and purses... and we tried to laugh, but simply couldn't. I lost him to cancer months later while I lived in Iowa. I couldn't make it to the funeral... yet... I knew we had already said our goodbyes.

I miss him and I know I am rambling. He has been on my heart a lot lately. I have been thinking of him a lot. I started a new job waiting tables during the graveyard shift. I get older people in there, so maybe that is what is weighing him very heavy on my heart. Each time I tell someone that a cup of coffee costs $1.99 I think of my grandpa and how he would spit nails before paying $1.99 for a cup of coffee. When someone orders cocoa, I think of how he would dunk his toast in it and eat it that way... and how I started to eat it that way as well.

I have been trying to avoid sweets... but as I sit here with tears rolling down my face, I feel tonight at work... I am going to have to do two things in honor of my grandpa....
1) Buy someones cup of coffee for them... just because.
2) Sit and eat my toast with a cup of cocoa.

I love you grandpa, and I often wonder how I survived cancer and it took you. You were so much stronger than me always.

I miss you... more than you know. Be ready to dance when I get there... you are going to owe me quite a few. And you will owe my daughter Carlie that you never got a chance to meet. And, you will owe your great-great granddaughter Bella a dance too... as Mandie is about to have a baby. I hope I can touch her life as much as you touched mine.