It is so hard to forgive ourselves

There are things that I did, in my childhood and even growing up, that I find hard to forgive myself for. Things that were unkind... that were just plain ole not nice. There are things I did that I didn't understand, and there were things I did intentionally at times as well. I still find it hard to forgive myself for those things. I can think of racist words that came out of my mouth that I didn't know were wrong, as I wasn't taught that. It is sad... I wasn't taught that. It makes my heart hurt. There are things that I learned just from my surroundings on how to handle issues... and I just didn't have the proper tools to handle things well. I still can think of moments in time where things were said... or I did something, and my eyes still fill with hot tears that stream down my face. I can't change the past... I could only change my future. I had to be my own teacher. BUT... aren't we all our own teacher in a sense? This is not a poor pity party to feel sorry for me... as I dislike pity. This is reality. This is my world. This is how it was and how I turned out.

Those people have surely forgiven me. Those people might say they have forgotten, and perhaps they have. Maybe it was not a huge impact on them as it was on me. I have changed for the better, but forgiven myself? Uhm... I am not sure that has happened. I am not sure I have done, or ever can fully forgive myself for some of my past doings. It is odd. I have many people that have hurt me in my past. Many. Many... many. Yet, I find it so easy to forgive them. I find it so easy to say, they are a child of God, they are no better and no worse than I am. We are all messed up in one way or another, so who would I be to not forgive them? A princess on her high throne? Certainly not me, I am not a princess or a queen or royalty in any sense of the word. And with that in mind, who the heck are they... celebrities, people in the public eye, government officials... they are no more a person of perfection that you or anyone else. I don't want to hold resentment inside as it just eats away at my soul.

I love who I have become. I teach my kids right from wrong. I teach them to love with all their heart. They fail. I stand beside them and encourage them. I don't know I was supported and encouraged as I failed in life. We all fail. It is human, it is natural. I show my kids unconditional love. They may be busy in their own lives and I see them fly, yet, there needs to be balance so I keep them grounded as well with keeping in touch with them and making sure each of them has their own time with me.

I tell each of my kids they are my favoite. I never tell them when they are in the presence of their siblings. Then it is not a secret for them. It started with Mandie of course. Going through my divorce when she was so small, I would love and kiss on her and tell her she was my favorite person in the whole world. With that I was being honest. She was. Easily and undeniably my favorite person ever!!!

When I was pregnant with my middle child, my son... I would lay in bed and cry. I cried for Mandie and I cried for Taylor. My heart hurt for them both so much. I knew I would be taking some of my love away from sis to give to her new sibling. I simply didn't know how that would ever be possible. My heart ached for her. She had been my everything. My world. I cried for Taylor. How would this little man ever feel loved as my love for him would never be what I was able to give Mandie.... as she had been the only child. I wanted him to feel that. I wanted him to be my world.

Well... the moment of truth came. When I delivered my son... HE WAS MY WORLD! But, surprisingly, all I wanted to do is get sissy there to help celebrate our new family. I wanted her to feel the joy of this little man in my arms. I promised him the world as I had promised her. I am not sure how much of the world I have provided those babies, yet, I have given it my all. I loved her. She was still my favorite. Yet, I loved him, and he was my favorite. YET... there's a new girl in town. Her name is Carlie... and she is my favorite.

I know I am rambling and I have gotten side tracked... by I am giving you me... the way I think... this is how it is... my life.

One thing I have said over and over in life, is I will not hurt you. I should have been saying, I will not hurt you intentionally. Not hurting someone is unrealistic at the very least. I think of those words and I tear up. I know I am going to hurt people. I know that, for once again, I am not perfect... far from perfect, and someone shattered and broken in many ways. Yet, I lead my life loving with all of my heart. I try to do good. I try to be kind. I try to be generous where anything I have I will share with you... and your needs are more important than mine. I am devoted to loving people. I am devoted to supporting people. I am devoted to making the strongest relationships I can.

From time to time, I get scared. I run. I run in fear I am hurting others. I run in fear I am not good enough or deserving enough for them. Logically I know I am as good as anyone else... and I can think that all day long, yet, in my heart, the fears come out like an ocean being held back with a simple wall made of plastic. It won't work. So I keep soul searching... treading water. I keep looking for answers. Even when I have hurt another... I don't want to have them out of my life. I still want to support and nurture them. I still want the best for them.

I have hurt someone, with my words and my actions. It was not on purpose. It wans't intentional. It was me, doing what I do best... complicating things. I reach out, they won't grab. The one person who may not have forgiven me. My heart hurts. I pray. I think. I cry. I can't forgive myself.

I go about my day with somewhat of a smile... pretending as I have a daughter here at home and two kids and a grandchild. They need me. I need them. I push everything down... everything back... and yet... I have hurt somebody. My heart gets heavier. My brain doesn't rest.

My first blog hop since being back in the swing

How exciting is this? I am in a blog hop. SMILE. Loves it, as Carlie is teaching Miss Bella to say. I spend hours looking through blogs... so this is a fun way to meet other bloggers and let you see what others are blogging about and make some new friends.



I am hoping I just did that right... this may be a test on my intelligence. Now that is a really scary thought right there.

Blessings to you and your night, from Salem Oregon... looking forward to getting to know more people...

Rhubarb Cheesecake Bars with a Sour Cream Glaze

Before I get questions about this, as I ALWAYS do, don't worry about the sour cream glaze. It is fantastic. Sour cream picks up any flavor you use it for. This is a sweet and wonderful flavor and it isn't sour at all. It isn't the same without it, so trust me on this one.

I few if my favorite things of summer....
1. Saturday Markets... LOVE THEM
2. BBQing... carne asada is my very favorite thing to bbq.
3. My kids when they would run through the sprinkler... they are 23 and 20 now and they refuse
to do it anymore... oh... yes... we can't forget I also have a 6 year old so we are all good with the
sprinklers for a few more years.... YEAH!!!
4. Popsicles on the back porch....
5. Sitting on the back porch at night listening to Carlie tell her stories... I have a few years of her
thinking it is ok to sit and chat with mom still...
6. Going to orchards and picking fruits and veggies since I don't have a garden here now... but
I promise to have one next year... for sure...
7. The sound of the ice cream truck coming down the street. I am not sure which is louder, the
music of the ice cream truck or Carlie screaming that it is coming down the street. It really
is a toss up...
8. Taking the kids camping...
9. A few days with no rain here in Oregon, notice I said a few... don't hold your breath on that
one.
10. Fresh corn on the cob (nothing better than when we lived in Iowa... nothing even compares),
fresh strawberries, and also...

BUT of ALL of these things, nothing quite compares to my love for RHUBARB! I love it so much. I want to plant it in my backyard, SO BAD. It is so expensive to buy right now. I remember when my parents had huge bushes of it in their back yard. I would make rhubarb sauce to eat on top of ice cream. I would make pies... coffee cakes... you name it... we would eat it and it was heaven. Now, this is when the older kids didn't realize they were going to be picky eaters. I think Taylor still likes it... but Amanda will have nothing to do with it. Carlie, she isn't too sure, but I can tell she doesn't like it now... but there will be a day she loves it. I hope so anyhow.

This recipe was given to me by a lady named Phyllis that used to go to a forum I belonged to that we would exchange recipes. As soon as she posted it, I knew I would love it... and I did. In fairness she received it from her daughter, but I am not sure what her name was and this has been about six years ago....

So, during the summer, if you call me and you are not able to find me... I am hiding in the closet eating the whole pan of these. They are that good.

Also, I have now discovered I am a place mat, table cloth and dish freak. I like to take photos of my food on pretty plates, in my pretty bowls, on my pretty table clothes... not on paper plates. Forgive me, Father for I have sinned... as this is at a block party and it was on... GULP... a paper plate. Oh so sad. I know, I know... I have the perfect idea. I have some rhubarb on hand... and some sour cream... I think I shall make some more tonight and I will add some more photos when it is done... how is that for compromise? If you call me when you see the new photos... and I don't answer... you already have a great idea of where I will be....



Rhubarb Cheesecake Bars with a Sour Cream Glaze

1 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 cup butter (softened)
1 tbsp white sugar
1 cup white sugar
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
4 cup rhubarb (finely chopped)
8 oz cream cheese (softened)
1/2 cup white sugar
1 egg
1/2 cup sour cream
1 tbsp white sugar
Method
1 Preheat oven to 425 degrees F (220 degrees C). Grease an 11x7-inch baking dish.
2 In a bowl, mix together 1 cup flour, the softened butter, and 1 tablespoon sugar until well combined; press into the bottom of the prepared baking dish.
3 Bake the crust in the preheated oven until it starts to brown, about 10 minutes. Remove the crust. Reduce oven heat to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
4 Using the same bowl, thoroughly mix 1 cup sugar with 1/4 cup flour; stir in the rhubarb and toss to coat. Spread the rhubarb mixture over the baked crust. Using the same bowl, mash the cream cheese, 1/2 cup of sugar, and the egg until the mixture is creamy; spread over the rhubarb.
5 Bake in the oven until the rhubarb is bubbling and the topping is set, about 35 minutes.
6 In the same bowl, mix sour cream with 1 tablespoon of sugar; spread over the hot dessert. Allow to cool completely before cutting into bars. Refrigerate leftovers.

Carlie and Taylor's Favorite Deviled Eggs aka Zippity Doo Dah Eggs

I sometimes forget what it was like to be a smoker. I did it for a long time... a tough habit to break really. But one thing that came from it... it my need for spices and what my kids call zippity doo dah. I had to drown my salads with pepper to taste it. I started adding more and more garlic to my cooking. My taste buds hadn't been what they could be. With that in mind, I quit smoking years ago... many years ago... but my love for the Zippity Doo Dah never ended.

Now, with as much as I love to cook... I could easily get offended that people always ask me to bring my deviled eggs and they really are not able to figure out how I make them. I just smile... not one has broken the *secret code* code yet. I, like most of my other recipes, vary the amounts here as well and I sometimes add a little bonus to them.


My Zippity Doo Dah Eggs

Boiled eggs (get ready as you are not getting the exact measurements as there are none... but trust me on this one....

Boil, peel and crack the eggs. I know it should go without saying, but cut the eggs the long way... point to point. P.S. TJ... if you are reading this, I still love you doll face, but I just needed to add that.

Scoop out the middle of the eggs, also known as the yellows or yolks (SMILE)

In a bowl, blend your yolks with a mixer. Get them as fine as you can. If you like lumpy eggs, so be it, but not as good as smooth centers in our house... and my kids, I must say are deviled egg experts... I mean they can eat a whole plate of them in a day... that makes them experts... right?

Add mayonaise to moisten the yolks... but don't add to much. The secret is coming up... trust me here and you can always add some later if you have never been a smoker such as me... or if you are a big cry baby from the secret ingredients...

next... add a few drops of tapito. If you don't know what this is... you will find it either in the mexican food aisle, or near the tabasco. A few drops will do it... (like 7 here... for luck of course). NEXT... add creamy horseradish! Yes... creamy horse radish, and about a teaspoon of mustard. I am sure you are assuming I mean mustard such as French's? WRONG. Chinese powder form of hot mustard! OMGawsh... it will wake you up in a heart beat. I don't mix it with water or anything... why dilute a great thing? Add your salt and lots of pepper.

Fill the egg halves with this mixture. Now for garnishment... I know most people use paprika, to make their eggs look pretty... but around in these parts... (our house) we use... cayanne pepper.

There you have it. Carlie called them fire cracker eggs for our block party. They were devoured in moments. I took two plate fulls and they were gone... completely... 100 percent gone. Not saying I didn't get any first. I said I TOOK two plates... but we actually made three plates full. WINK... sometimes I am stingy and don't share very well.

Broccoli, Cauliflower Delight Salad

One of the things I like most about cooking is adapting recipes. I, for instance, have seen this recipe so many different ways that it is not even funny. I also make it a lot of different ways. This salad originated as this...

Broccoli Delight Salad

1 lg. bunch fresh broccoli, cut in pieces (4 to 5 cups)
1 c. raisins
1/4 c. diced red onion
10 strips bacon, fried and crumbled
1 cup sunflower seeds

DRESSING:

3 to 4 tbsp. sugar
1/4 c. mayonnaise
1 tbsp. vinegar

Put washed, well drained broccoli pieces in large bowl; add raisins, onion, bacon and sunflower seeds. Mix together dressing ingredients; pour over salad. Yield: 6 servings.

However I added cauliflower to it as well as I had seen it done that way in the past. I then had to increase the dressing to one and a half... Thank GAWD I did so well in math class... who would have ever thought I would need it for a broccoli salad... I also have added things such as fugi apples sliced to mine, dried cherries, dried cranberries, cut up mandarin oranges, slivered almonds, shredded cheese. I always make sure that there is cauliflower, broccoli, the sunflower seeds (although I used honey roasted... just for the effects of helping my butt grow at a more rapid rate... nothing better...) bacon and red onion.... and the dressing as well of course. Then, after that it really depends upon my mood for the day (which interprets into what Carlie or the other kids are in the mood for... as we all know I will eat just about anything that suits my fancy.) This is a great summer salad, as you can eat it for dinner just alone, and never have to turn on the oven...... thank goodness for small miracles when we get old and grumpy with too hot of weather. I hope you enjoy this very versitile and wonderful salad... Just remember, there is a lot of fiber to this salad... as a friendly reminder. GRIN! And no, this is not an ad for Beano.

Corn and Black Bean Dip

If you only knew what we do on the 4th of July. It could get really ugly if we were all honest with each other, yet the word goes unspoken. Seriously... it does. I live in a very kind and sweet neighborhood. We have wonderful neighbors. They are caring for each other and we look out for each other. We watch each others homes when the other is away. We watch each others children to make sure they are safe when they are out and about on the street. Until a couple of months ago, our daughter was the youngest on the block, yet now there is a family across the street renting a home there, and their son is the same age, and a child even younger. However, we still make sure the teens are being safe. We are the neighborhood that bakes for each other during the holidays... and we gather several times a year to enjoy each others companies. HOWEVER, the 4th of July is all about... OUT COOKING OURSELVES from what we brought the year before. That is what I tell myself... as I am not the one that has to be reminded of what I brought the year before. My mind is a volt when it comes to food. SMILE! BUT... ME BEING THE HONEST ONE AROUND HERE, I must tell you that I am also the one that has to tell you a secret.... we are all really trying to out cook each other as well. Again, it is unspoken. When you put your dish on the table to share... it shows... it totally shows. We eye each others dish, like it is the shoot out at sunset from Gun Smoke!

This year, I think that the block party was bigger than any of the past. Each family welcomes other family and friends from all over the place to join in on the festivities as long as they... BRING FOOD!!!! I love seeing when people are carrying over a sliced watermelon... it should disqualify them of the secret contest that is going on.... and people that bring the same dish each year, no competition.... I.... uhm... I mean WE... have found something bigger and better from the year before. We wear that invisible crown, letting the world that we are warriors of the kitchen... but we do it with a little smile or grin and say we will get the recipe to share right away. They obviously don't know... I have a food blog... and that may or may not be kept a secret. I mean... I would hate someone else to win with MY RECIPE... right?

Seriously though, we are very blessed to live in a neighborhood where we can join together and love each other and share our food. We are blessed to live in America. We are blessed to have each other and call each other friends... and we are blessed to be FREE, thanks to the men and women that keep our country safe. Yes that refers to soldiers... and their families, as that is obvious to me. However, we need to also think outside the box, as to the police, ambulance and fire in the area. We need to think of the neighbors that look out for each others home and belongings... to the teachers that go above and beyond for our kids... the daycare and pre school teachers that watch our children and keep them safe as we work. There are smaller scales her too that go without notice... but... AGAIN... on a big scale... people serving in our Armed Forces... I appreciate you.

For the recipe. I found it at this site and I adapted it to our needs. The name is Some Kind of Delicious. She has some great recipes that I saw over there... that I will be trying again very soon. It was the first time I had been to the site, yet I knew I had to try this. And that I did.

Corn and Black Bean Dip

2/3 c. sour cream
½ c. cilantro, chopped
1 tsp. ground cumin
½ tsp. cayenne pepper
1 (15-oz.) can corn, drained and rinsed
1 (15-oz.) can black beans, drained and rinsed
Juice & zest of 1 lime
Salt & pepper to taste
Tortilla chips

In a bowl combine the sour cream, cilantro, cumin, cayenne pepper, and lime. Stir in corn & black beans. Season with salt and pepper. Serve with tortilla chips.

I increased the sour cream to 1 1/3 cups. I added some tapitio to add some zip, and some carne asada seasoning to it. I also added an extra can of corn and a small onion. Her way was divine, yet, I like a lot of extra spice to my food most often. I also increased the the cumin to 2 tsp. and added some green chilis that were diced in a can. I think next time I will add an extra can of black beans and a can of cheddar cheese soup or shredded cheddar cheese. We shall see what wild hair I get that day. All in all her recipe was fantastic... I always tweek... the way I am made.

I hope you try this... it is super easy. Ooooooohhhh... as I am sitting here and my mind wanders yet again, I am thinking it would be fantastic with Mexican sour cream as well. It is so very yummy.... hmmmmmm..... thinking, thinking, thinking.

I also hope you go over and visit her site. It is a keeper for sure.

Tuesday Tens: Things I do in my personal life to make me smile

Life throws all sorts of curve balls to us.... sometimes more than others... and in those times, I really have to do things that keep my mind busy and my heart smile. Some of the following things are what I like to do to keep me smiling and putting one foot in front of another.

My kids are ALWAYS in my happiness... and I feel whole when I am with them. For someone that wants to be so independent in life, I have suddenly realized that I am just not at all whole without them and feel somewhat lost when they are not around... they keep me grounded and give me so much purpose in life. I truly know that I was meant to be a mom, or more importantly to me, I was meant to be their mom. I was meant to be Bella Boo's Grammy as well. The four of them just make my heart smile... over and over again. Don't get me wrong... none of us are perfect, and I have earned every gray hair in this head with my kiddos, and worrying and trying to provide all I can for them... but... that is what we do as parents... care. With all our hearts we care.

This list has nothing to do with my kiddos... as that is a given... as well as Ms. Bella Green Jeans.... it is just about me... and my simple pleasures.

1. Painting my finger and toe nails. I work in a restaurant, so this is not allowed on my fingers... poor things suffer... but, I love it. As I speak it is not even 8 a.m. and Miss Carlie is telling me that she is wanting me to change her finger nails and toe nails. Who does that sound like? A mini me perhaps. I also am liking new colors. Example... Carlie (I have to live through her when it comes to painting nails...) now has purple finger and green tootsies... LOVE IT....

2. Looking through food blogs. I pick up ideas here and there. Sometimes I follow recipes, yet, most of the time I simply find a blog and/or recipe and I adjust it to my likes or my families likes. I get ideas and just go with it. I could do this for hours... and Carlie continuously comes up to me and asks for me to put on one of her Barbie movies, etc... Poor girl.

3. Scouring through my cookbook collection. I can't tell you the number of cookbooks I have. With the net and food blogs, etc... I am not sure why I hold onto them! They are a comfort to me for some reason. I love them. I can scour them for hours on end.... I can go without sleep as I don't notice the time passing. I like them that much...

4. Reading through... DRUM ROLL PLEASE... my cooking magazines. Paula Deen, Taste of Home, The Food Network... they all call my name as I pass them in the stores. Thank God for Costco where I can get them at a discount. Better yet, I need to just subscribe to them.

5. Usually I need to stay busy to keep my mind going. My mind doesn't like to rest, yet, there is one thing that I love to do, and it may be above all other things. I love to be on a beach. I love to hear the crashing of water as it hits the shore. I love the wind on my cheeks (don't really like it in the hair, but it is part of the whole thing, so I will go with it.) I love the way it feels when the sun is hitting me. I love the sound of seagulls yet, don't want them near me... dirty birds... but, love the way it sounds. I love to dig my toes in the sand. I could just sit there for hours if by myself without others telling me it is time to go... or I need to go potty, or, when is lunch, etc....

6. Cooking and baking. LOVE IT. I feel relaxed when I do it. I feel whole. I feel happy. Not as in a restaurant cook... but for those I love. I am that lady... the one that likes to cook for others, so you often get yummy desserts or dishes being sent home with you. I AM HER.....

7. I love volunteering in my community. I do so in many different areas. I love to go to the school and read with each of the kids. It is amazing to me to see their little faces light up when the words click, or when they totally understand the story. I love to encourage them along the way. It keeps me involved with my own daughter... but I like knowing I am helping with others as well. As the old saying says.... It takes a village....

8. CRABBING. I bought a crabbing net at a yard sale when we first got to Oregon. I had heard of crabbing and thought it would be fun for Taylor and his dad. With that in mind, they started. In fact, I think I found two nets. ANYHOW... we had an international student staying with us, so we planned crabbing for a day in Newport. I was addicted from that day on. It is relaxing to me. Sitting on the dock... no tv... no phone... chatting with whoever you are there with. Since we pretty much go to the bay, there is generally a wonderful breeze going on. I love it. I love the rewards as well. Crab for dinner... not too much is better than that. I mean, how many times do we get the chance to catch our dinner and be eating it a few hours later. So good fresh.

9. Camping is also one of my favorite things. Everything takes longer... cooking, doing dishes, EVERYTHING. I love it though... no schedule to keep. I love being where I hear the crickets chirping and can open my little window of the tent trailor and watch the stars. I love the smell of the camp fire. I love that it is quality time with my kids and family/ friends. It is wonderful.

10. I love preparing for holidays. They are big for me. They are HUGE FOR ME.... I just love the excitement of my kids. I love to see how others celebrate. It makes me smile. I love planning the menues... thinking of the perfect gifts... Thinking of what will make it personal and special. It is great...