Today I have to think....

Today a good man was put to rest. Today, the final good byes, yet, not the final tears for those that love and admire him. The way he touched others lives so genuinely and completely with his heart. That is a sad day. There are good people in the world, and he was one of them. He was one of the good ones.

I sit, and I think of my life. He didn't leave that day to go for a ride knowing he would never come home to his wife and kids. He just didn't. Unless we are dying of a disease that will take us, most of us don't know when that moment is going to be. None of us really know... ya know. We might know an end is near... we might know we need to make memories now with our loved ones and our friends... but we don't know that moment.

I hope I die a death when I know it is coming soon. I hope the doctors, at that time call my family and tell them the time is near. I hope I am with my kids and the people I love when I close my eyes for the last time. *** Note to anyone in the room with me when it is my time... if I die with my eyes open.... for GAWD SAKE please close my eyelids.... please. SMILING but so serious. Please... if you are with me when I die...give my kids a hug and tell them how much each of them meant to me. Please get the letters I will leave for each of them, and each of my grandkids under my mattress.... please give them time to read it on their own, but be there for them in case they need someone to talk to. When I die... please play Garth Brooks song, we will be free.... and when that is done... please play another Garth Brooks song... I got friends... and please sing along. Please give my kids a cd I will also have made for them... with *our song* that I have with each of them... and the song, Wind Beneath My Wings by Bette Midler, and It Will Be Me by Melissa Etheridge. I will write the story of each of the births and put it in each of their envelopes as they will want to hear it one last time... they way they still do. I will tell them of how excited I was to hold each of them and look in their eyes the moment I held them. I will write how I was moved to tears in awwwwww of how much they owned my heart. Yes... God... please let me live a long and slow death so I can do all of these things. I love food. You better do a potluck, and there better be good food. Kday, you better open a cookbook and cook a recipe from that cookbook... and laugh the whole time... knowing how much you hate to cook but you are doing it for me. Rhonda, you go and talk to everyone and let it be cheery and smiley... as that is just your way... the nurturer. Kara, please convince Kday to lick her plate when it is done just for one last laugh. Holli can perform and tap dance for everyone... or better yet... do some fabulous song from Broadway. Dawn, mix the margaritas, Paula, sing Ice Castles... No... better yet... sing Photograph by Kidd Rock... Dawn can be your Sheryl Crow. Kerri, comfort my son, he will need it the most. Carol and Dru, please plan the after ceremony at Mo's. Don't buy me a fancy coffin, put me in a paper bag for all I care. Do it the cheapest way possible... I don't want to burden people with expense. I will be gone... I won't care. Keep your satin and ribbon. Don't worry about roses or big sprays of flowers. Pick me dandilions like my kids used to do. I love the dandilions. They make me smile. I am not going to tell you not to cry. CRY. I am a crier... and I will be watching... and if you don't cry, I may haunt your house. SERIOUSLY!!!! Kim will tell you stories of my older kids as children and Taylor puking on her wood floor from eating too much pepperoni on Christmas Eve. Dance... and sing... and hug... and remember times of laughter. That is what I want. I want to wear something that doesn't match... at all. Seriously... we put too much thought into our appearance... I will be at a place in my life... that I don't care... DEAD... I just won't care. Lynda, you can smoke one cigarette that day if you must... but only one... Krysta... I would like you to put a cup of coffee in my paper bag... I want into the pearly gates with a cup of coffee.... and stand up and yell as loud as you can... Wendy ordered some HAWT WANGS... and you better have truck loads of HAWT WANGS to share with everyone... it can be with blue cheese or ranch, I don't care. Tell G he is a good man and I am glad he is the dad to our children. Tell those that hurt me, I am ok, and I forgive them and I am sorry if I hurt them as well. Tammy will teach people the hustle... 70s style... and she will rock the dance floor. Eat cupcakes and mudd pie. Listen to my brother Troy tell stories, you will laugh your ass off... and my brother Jared will join in. My sister, Cami, she will know that I cherish the bond with her. She will dance to Rag Doll by Aerosmith if you really push her to. Ask Brandi if she will bake peach pies for everyone to have a slice... I am not sure if she will but, I hope she will. Play, sometime during the night... Happy Trails by Van Halen, as that is always a good memory of leaving school. Roger will show a soft side to himself, and not the tough cop exterior he hides behind at times... but the sweet caring man that has been my best friend since Alaska. Penny and Pam will cry... they are criers too... and Laurel... she will be passing out maple bars topped with bacon... as our adventures will fill her head, and she will smile. The men that hurt me, you are welcome to join... as I forgive you. Without you I would not be the woman that I am today... strong... well, trying to be strong. Yes, GAWD, please let me know when I am going to die. Don't donate my parts to others... my parts are worn out. Put them to rest. If I was healthier, younger, that would be one thing... but this body has seen its share of hurts... BUT... if I have any kidney stones at the time... have them extracted and plant them in the drink of someone that pissed me off in traffic. That is much better than flipping someone off for sure. So I have coffee in one hand, in my paper bag... someone please put a coor lite with bloody mix in it, in the other hand... I will drink it fast on my way up... this will be most appreciated if it is hot out. While I am laying there, please make sure I am sucking in my gut and I don't have anything in my teeth. Some of you read this and think I am kidding... I am not kidding. Out of all of this... what I want you to remember most... is to love on my kids and my grandbabies and tell them that they are my world. They are all that is good.... they are my riches and my wealth. They are what makes my heart so very happy... and I am so blessed to be their mom. Each of them has helped me grow in differnt ways. God knew I needed each of them in my life... He knows all...

From now until then... I need to figure out if I am living my life right. I need to check my bucket list... what is it that I need to cross off...

Singing karioke solo style... fat chance...
Rocking sick babies in Africa (for all of you that sit and think of half of them having aids, which you so freely share with me... and those that think I need to give within my country... well... I will be safe from the AIDS... and I do help with things within my country... do you?)
I want to cater... I want to have a bake shop/deli
I want to have a food truck to serve food to hungry construction workers, and soccer players, and baseball players...
I want to hike through Europe...
I want to watch anther sunset in Alaska
I want to let all those that I love, just how special they are to me...
I want to see a sunset in Maine
I want to travel through New England in the Fall
I want to get my kids all to Southern California yet again... as that is what they like to do
I want to forgive more freely
I want to volunteer more of my time to my community
I want to go in a movie theater and laugh so hard that I can't stop and they ask me to leave... that kind of laugh...
I want to see the ballet
I want to travel through Europe... hiking....
I want to go on a tv game show... just for the fun of it...
I want to walk up to someone in the grocery store and pay for the cart of groceries...
I want to have coffee in a diner and leave a 100 dollar bill... again
I want to sit with all three of my siblings and just tell them how much they each mean to me. Not in actions.... but choke through the sobs and let them know how they meant so much to me as we grew up....
I want to reach 500 people in one day handing out sack lunches downtown. The most I have done thus far in one day is 200...
I want to go to Georgia... and see the trees blossom
I want to go to Mardi Gras...
I want to go back to Flatlands and learn more....
I want to run through the sprinkler with the kids... let them forget they are adults... and just run through the sprinkler with Carlie and Bella...
I want to kiss and dance in the rain...
I want to find Dawna Clark...
I want to go to Seattle with Krysta...
I want to see Carlie swim with dolphins just like my other two kids did....
I want to backpack in the mountains...
I want to over come my fear and hike down the Grand Canyon


I will keep adding onto this... as there is way so much I want to do...

I want to be the kind of mom my kids remember me fondly
I want to be the kind of friend my friends remember and they laugh... or cry...
I want to be the sister and aunt that my family knows they can depend upon me...
I want to be a worker that is responsible and reliable
I want to be a neighbor that is good to the others
I want to keep volunteering in my daughters school so that she knows I care and it helps the kids
I want to advocate for kids that need someone to have a voice in this world, those that are forgotten
I want to take Carlie to visit the elderly in nursing homes, as often they are also the forgotten
I want to sit with a homeless person for a full night... and learn their story.

Tuesday Tens... things that make me sad...

1. Seeing people being unkind to each other....
2. Two people not being able to talk things out calmly ...
3. Missing Tuesday Night Meetings as I don't want to be real and really dig in deep how I feel...
(I skipped tonight) Gotta process before Linda gets ahold of me... she digs... no digging tonight.
4. Missing my kids. I don't do well without them. I don't like being far from them.
5. Misunderstandings...
6. Losing the love and respect of a friend...
7. Death... the final chapter... so sad...
8. Regressing... instead of progressing in life...
9. When I hurt someones feelings. I would much rather be on the receiving end...
10. When people do things to hurt children. Do they realize they may never recover from that
trauma?

and although I know I said Tuesday Tens... one can't go without saying...

C*A*N*C*E*R.... if there is a hate that I feel... cancer would be the key word...

Today I got to spend the day with Carlie... always a good day...

After getting back from two and a half days of running and some sorrowful moments, I was able to just sit and be with Carlie. My mind was racing today... I try to keep my mind busy... but... I need some down time as well... so... today... we sat.

I really needed to go to the grocery store to pick up some things. I had some recipes that I wanted to try them out. It is good she went with me as my arm is still a bit sore, but, all in all, I refuse to complain about it... but is whining allowed? Just a little? My fingers were swollen by noon and the hot poker reappears to remind me to take it easy.

I finally got around to getting somewhat ready... if brushing your teeth and brushing your hair could be considered getting ready. No eyeliner even... just wanted to get it done and over with. I asked her to be a big girl and get herself ready and we were going to go and get some things to make peach cupcakes... recipe will follow later. She loves picking out her own clothes... getting herself ready... so this was fun for her.

Soon she came down in a little summer dress she wears around the house and a COWGIRL hat. How could I make her take it off? The answer is... I couldn't... so we went to the store... and she wore her cowgirl hat...

That's my girl.... so my girl...

PS... she had on lip gloss and perfume to boot.... ha...

I like a lot of different places for a lot of different reasons. I love VEGAS. The lights are bright... the people are in droves so I can sit and people watch. There are free drinks as long as you gamble, yet I am not a gambler. Fremont Street is my favorite... the light shows and the dollar shrimp cocktails. The sun draws me in.

In Iowa I was able to visit many Amish communities and I love it. The simple life. The not worry about so much life. The farming life, and cooking, baking and canning... it is so me... minus the high heels, lip stick, many curling irons, and perfume... well, it is a part of me....

Chicago. I love the people... once again. The hustle and bustle. The always walking. The variety of stores. The lake... the life. I am adaptable obviously.

San Francisco! I could live there. I love it. I love the water. I love watching the sea lions. I love, people watching... again. I love the wharf. I love the older homes and the hills. I love the trolley cars. I love it.

Hawaii... ALOHA! I love the water! I love to sit by the water and just BE. I love the slower life style there. I love wearing my slippas as a casual thing, and with a dress, it simply doesn't matter. I love the food and the smells. I love he rain in the early mornings, while everyone sleeps. I love the swap meet. I just love it so much and would love to retire there... fat chance.

But, for the Pacific Northwest... I love, love, love SEATTLE. I really do. I think I am supposed to be near water. Truly I do. I am not sure why, but I feel the calmest near water. I needed to go to Seattle this past weekend. I wish that there was time to play, but there simply was not enough time. I was supposed to see my sister for a part of a day, yet, I simply couldn't. Lots on my mind... lots to accomplish, so our visit has been postponed.

I had a five hour gap of free time. FIVE HOURS. Not much time. Surely not enough time. We woke up early so I could get Carlie fed and get her ready. We were going to go on an adventure. We took a tram, or train like object into the city. We caught it in Tukwila. It was fun for her. Her doll enjoyed it as well... and we got to the stop we needed to exit on. I think it was University Station.

She was about to experience Farmer's Market, or Pike Street Market....



There were people playing music. She loved it. We love music. Music is usually on in some capacity in our home... so this was a treat for her to be able to listen to the live music.

For lunch we bought some sour dough bread, and we ripped it apart, and we dipped it in some silly little butter packets.... and it was still warm, and it was fresh and it was pure heaven. We ate it down by the water while we looked at a totem pole that is being carved. We sat on a log railing and we ate our bread and we talked, and then we were quiet... just taking it all in.

If only we were not staying in a hotel. These crab legs looked so very good. I wasn't about to carry around crab legs for a couple of hours... and then not have anything to open them with once we got to the hotel. But... they looked so, so, so good.



Carlie, the fisher girl she is, had to get the whole hands on experience while we were there. All I could say is.... look for some hand sanitizer please. Ewwwww... as much as she is like me, there is a part of her that is so much ... well... so far from anything I would do....

Anyone that knows me... knows I LOVE antiques... I love them so much and could browse for hours and hours. I love them. I often wonder where those items once were. I wonder who owned them. I wonder about the era they came from.

I am a farm girl at heart. I love to garden... although I am not lucky enough to have one of my own... this year that is. Next year, I will have a garden. I don't care if I have to rent a plot somewhere... but I will have a garden. I think that one of the things I like most about Farmer's Markets, other than the fruits and veggies, is... the colors. They appeal to me. I love color, and vibrant colors at that. So, when I am there, there is a calm... yet a part of me feels vibrant and alive with all the colors that surround me.

I wanted to buy so much and go home to cook, yet, there I was, no pots, no pans, no stove... so... I just had to window shop. It was killing me. Oh well...

Look at how perfect those peppers are. They are so very good. I think that this is the stand that Carlie got a fuji apple. If you could see it! It was so very big. It was at least twice the size of the fujis I have ever seen. She was in heaven....

Artichokes... perfect for any meal.... They had huge artichokes. They were wonderful.



The totem pole I told you about. It is amazing.

We listened to the story. It was a story of love... they are finishing this project.

There are many religious beliefs behind a totem pole. It was interesting to learn about the beliefs behind them from the people carving it.

I am glad I was able to share the totem pole learning moments with Carlie. It is something I don't think she will forget.

The flowers were gorgeous. They bouquets are HUGE... they are colorful and full. There is a large variety.

THEY WERE CHEAP!!!! They only cost $5.00 and $10.00 for the bouquets. I loved them and could have sat and looked at them all day.

To me, the above bouquet would be a perfect wedding bouquet... gorgeous... and it was $10! Can you imagine?

There was so much lavendar. Lavendar is a huge part of my life. It relaxes... so it is sprayed on my pillow each time I go to rest or sleep... There was a ton of lavendar there.

These are the five and ten dollar bouquets...

I loved the booths with bright colors... ps... I am not selling these photos... if you like them, you need to go to Pike Street Market and find the artist that sells them. Her employee scold me thinking I would be selling the photos... UHM... I don't have them, how could I sell them?

She was a great artist... so... if you get there, there is a large variety to purchase. Some great work... I could have browsed again for hours...

Another booth with art work... not as good as the first... but still cool...

More vibrant colors that call my name... so pretty....

Look at the peones! So pretty and delicate. I loved just strolling along and enjoying the farmer's market with one of my favorite gals...

It was almost a perfect gap in my life... the only thing that would have been better is to have had the whole day to be down there. I had to get the train back to the parking lot, and back to the hotel for a short nap... and then, I had to get back to real life.

Yes... Pike Street Market in Seattle is one of my favorite places to be for sure. I need to make a point of getting down to our own Saturday market next week. I will neglect sleep just to be able to see the bright colors and think of all the yummy dishes I can make with the veggies I will find.

Today is a day of fear...

It has been a tough weekend. A weekend of soul searching. A weekend full of tears and fears coming to the surface. As strong as we try to be... this is a day that I continue on the paths in my head of the unknowns and the fears that go along with it. Life is so precious and much too short... why must it be so short? This is a weekend of loss... and a weekend of... well... I don't know where I am or who I am today... death... an evil and ugly word meaning... the show is over.

Today I reach for blessings that surround me...

I came home and started to immediately open all the windows... let in the fresh air. I go outside... and there, my lilac bush is in full bloom. Usually it blooms in May... but there were only a few blooms in May. Today, it is covered in at least a hundred blooms of lilacs. I sit and weep. I needed those blooms today. I needed to smell how good they smell and how pretty they are. I needed to know that even when we give up on things... they bloom and they grown... just like that lilac bush. Even when I gave up on it... it grew.

The room at the top of the stairs sits empty....

I go upstairs daily. I have to, as that is where Carlie's room is. That is where the bathroom and shower are... I have no choice but to go up the stairs. When I do, I glance to my left til the first platform where I have to turn to go up the second set of stairs. The wall is covered in the photos. Sis being little, where curls adorned her hair in a soft honey color of light brown. I see her big brown eyes, and the little white dress with pink ribbon she wore. I see his photo, as a baby, in his little baseball suit, with a matching cap. I see the scared look on his face, of shock when the flash of the camera went off, laying on a piece of white fabric. His eyes are the deepest brown, almost black and the little pink cheeks. I see Carlie's photo of her in her first kimono, little pig tails on the top of her head, looking at the Japanese lucky cat. I see photos of my sister's wedding, of Bethwel, (our first international son to live with us from Kenya) as he graduated college with honors before he left for medical school. I see a family portrait of my side of the family when the older kids are small... my high school mullet hair cut, wearing a pink angora sweater... the bi-level makes me smile and laugh as I shake my head and climb the next set of stairs and my heart starts to beat rapidly yet again. I am getting closer, nearer... the familiar pit in my stomach hurts.

To the far left is Carlie's room. It has a net hanging from the ceiling. It turns a somewhat ordinary bed into a princess bed. Toys scattered on her floor. She is a little girl for sure with lotions, perfumes and lipgloss on the dressers... She has a little container that hold her brets, ponytail holders and head bands. Pillow pets are lined on the floor ready for the next school lesson, picnic or tea party, depending on the day. The shelves in the closet have become a personal library for my daughter that loves to read. I walk to leave the room and focus... focus... focus on going to the bathroom and changing the scentsy out or checking to make sure the night light is on for it... and I quickly turn to leave in a hurry to get down the stairs... and that room calls my attention every time. AND....
MY
HEART
ACHES
EVERY
SINGLE
TIME......................................................................................................................................................
end of story.

In the past week I have forced myself to look at some photos from when Tay entered the hospital for nearly a year... on and off. The band aids were peeled off of my heart... not slowly... FAST... and it... HURT. I know I need to face this hurt and yet, I simply, at times don't know how. I don't know how to face the hurt and smile. I don't know how to be gracious about it. I don't know how to be brave... so, it all sat, under these so called band aids for two, almost three years.

I today, had to enter that room. I was not looking for anything... other than how to mend a heart that longs for my son to be in my home. I opened that door and as soon as I saw the sun coming out of the room and knowing I was IN... I began to sob. Not the cute little cries that I can put my finger under my nose like a mustache and stop the eyes from watering... but like a damn ... Like Coulee Dam! How do I ever face this? How do I heal? How do I stop missing him so very much? To me it is as foreign as working on the engine of a car... lost... confused and frustrated. I want to just put the key in the ignition, fill the dumb thing with gas and just drive. Same with Taylor. I want to knock on his door and tell him ten minutes til dinner. I want to call him from outside playing basketball or riding his rip tide. I want to tell him to turn his music down or to turn the tv down as his sister is trying to sleep... yet... that is not going to happen. Instead, I search for the answers on how to be a rock of strength for him and for my girls as we face the many faces of autism and the other disorders that make my son who he is.

I love him just the way he is. He has the cutest grin when he feels shy, while turning red. He can tell when I am worn down, and offers a hug... EVERY SINGLE TIME. He reassures me not to worry about him. How can a mom not worry about their son that has the mentality of a ten year old boy, living outside of her home? It is not possible. He loves his video games and his magic card game. I don't care for either. He loves to scare me by hiding in closets and jumping out when I walk by. He loves taking things apart and putting them back together again. He loves the cooking torch I use to crystalize the sugar on my creme brulee to like off fireworks. He loves crabbing and walking down the dock to see what everyone else has caught. He loves being a big brother.

No more laughs come from his room. No more cries in frustration when he can't understand how to communicate his feelings. No more Chumbawamba or Santana at loud volumes coming out. No more sitting in the special chair to play video games that vibrates and plays music... no more begging him to wear his retainer or brush his teeth. No teasing and dancing as I climb the stairs about how I fell of the riptide or lost at H O R S E while playing basketball... just a room that is dark without him in it. The tv still sits on the dresser and the bed is still not made as he didn't like his bed to be made. His stop light still sits on his book shelf, along with his stereo and the picture frame with him and his sisters in it. The trophies he saved of his dads wrestling and judo days are on a shelf... they need dusting for sure... Mickey Mouse, Donald, and Goofy are on a picture on the wall and I smile knowing how much he loves Disneyland. The picture he colored and framed of Superman also hangs there. The large book of Marvel heros is on the shelf... how he loves them. The pair of jeans I asked him to throw in the wash three years ago, they hang from the post at the end of his bed. It is like a ghost town... everything the way he left it... keeping his space safe for him... as it had to be his way for him to be comfortable.

I sit on the bed and remember sitting there after his night tremors... just wanting him to feel safe and secure by my presence. As I stare to the side of me... my mind becomes a time machine and takes me back to gentler times. The middle drawer was at one time his bed. Sounds odd, but, he was so small when he came home from the hospital, I had to put him in a drawer... I was afraid he would get hurt in the bassinet and the crib... so a drawer it was thanks to the bright thinking of his pediatrician. That drawer, as I opened it is now filled with transformers and pokeman cards and games to his xbox. I cry as I run my finger on the wood... trying to forget how much my heart misses him. I see the coat he used to wear when he would run away and be gone for days. It hangs from a hook in his closet. I remember it being so wet I would need to go outside and wring the water out when the police would find him sleeping outside in an alley behind Baskin and Robins, and drive him home. My thoughts go to the police telling me he would stay calm and tell them, my name is Taylor, I am autistic, will you give me a ride home? My mind goes to all these thoughts... and... it simply is too much for one day... so... I wipe my tears, put the bandaids back on... walk out of the room with one last look... trying to listen really hard to remember the laughs that he would let out when he would watch I love Lucy... I cry... I come to the computer. I am determined to heal.

I see him often. I talk to him daily. We do lunch... he teases me... yet... it is not the same. His room is empty of life and joy. My heart is missing a link... it sits waiting for the day he can come home. Will that day ever come? I pick up the phone... and call him... just to hear his voice... and he tells me he just got paid and is on his way to get a video game. I hang up and I feel my chin start to quiver yet again, and those damned bandaids on my heart aren't doing the trick anymore. I want to crawl in my bed. I want to curl up in the fetal position. I want to listen to our song. I want him to jump out of the closet so I can yell and him that he will give me a heart attack at any moment one of these days and he is going to be really sorry when that happens. I want to rest my thoughts and fall asleep and I know that is but an impossibility.

I am supposed to be the one that teaches him how to treat women and how to be kind. I am the one that is supposed to teach him how to cook and keep a checkbook and write down in your check ledger. I am the one that is supposed to check on him when the night terrors happen, and plan camping trips and suffer through scary movies with him... ME. I am not only sad... but a part of me is bitter for not being able to do these things. My heart... it hurts... it is a mess... and so I will continue to put my money on counselors and try to avoid numbing items...

Will he ever understand how much I miss him. I wish Carlie was here to color with or paint her nails... anything... but... THIS.

Mini Snickers Cheesecakes

If there has ever been proof that there is a higher power, in my mind it would be cheesecake. I adore cheesecakes. You could give me a list of 100 types and I would not scratch one of them off and I would love to try every single last one of them. Is it any wonder that my butt is so big? I think not! The smoothness in the texture... the sweetness, creamy and tasty.

I talked to Scott recently about a childhood memory of his grandmother. He wrote that he loved her cheesecake as it had extra butter in the graham cracker crust. I agree with him that there needs to be real butter used... and just enough sugar... not too much as it will spoil everything.

What is my favorite type of cheese cake? I am not sure... but I don't think that I have met it yet, as there are simply too many. I really like pumpkin cheese cake with a ginger snap crust. It is AMAZING... and different and a little bit of heaven in my mouth.

I recently discovered a Mini Snickers Cheesecakes at a blog called Six Sister's Stuff. Please join them there for a peek at all of their wonderful goodness that they share with their readers. They have some amazing recipes they share. I have spent a couple of hours there reading. Love it.

On to the dessert... here is the recipe. My family loved it. Mini servings that I baked in my Demarle cupcake pan. No liners needed. Mini means portion control to me as I seriously could eat three slices of cheesecake if people don't watch me. I would pay for it as it is too rich for my stomach in that much quantity... yet... the taste makes me driven for more. I was able to send some of these home with my son Taylor and my daughter Amanda. I hope you enjoy them as much as we did.

Six Sister's ... you did good with this recipe. IT IS AMAZING!

Mini Snickers Cheesecakes Copy and pasted from their site. Please use link above to visit,

2 c. chopped Snickers Bars
2 1/2 c. graham cracker crumbs
2 Tbl. granulated sugar
5 Tbl. melted butter
2 8oz packages softened cream cheese
1 c. granulated sugar
2 eggs
1 Tbl. pure vanilla
3 Tbl. caramel sauce

**The original recipe suggests making these in a muffin top pan but I used a regular muffin tin pan and they worked fine! If you are using a regular muffin tin, use a little bit less than 1/4 c. when you are pouring the filling into each tin so they don't overflow.**

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
Place chopped Snickers Bars into a bowl, set aside for now. Place graham cracker crumbs, sugar and melted butter into a mixing bowl to combine. Spoon a couple spoonfuls of crumbs into each section of the muffin pan and press down and up the sides. Bake for 5-6 minutes or just until browned. Remove from oven.

In a stand or electric mixer, beat the cream cheese and sugar until smooth and creamy. Add in eggs and vanilla until well combined, scraping sides of bowl with a rubber spatula. Beat in caramel sauce until well combined. Pour about 1/4 c. of cheesecake mixture over each baked crust then top evenly with chopped Snickers. Bake for 23-26 minutes or until cheesecake edges are just starting to brown and centers are nearly set. Remove and let cool completely. While still warm, loosen all edges with a plastic knife to make for easier removal from pan. Refrigerate once cooled then top with caramel sauce and whipped cream to serve!

12 individual cheesecakes