Thursday, July 8, 2010
I just realized today...
Today we went to lunch again, just you and mom! That is what you always say... girls day mom. Today is only girls day. I love to hear the soothing voice when you say that, and I love that those are the perfect words. I love that you always love to fill my bucket. You say the sweetest kindest things. Amanda was a lot like you when she was a little girl... and Taylor as well... but each of you nurtured me in your own ways.
Amanda was more the do it girl. She would help do the dishes or help clean or things like that, to help take some things off of my plate. Being a single parent wasn't easy as I often worked two jobs to keep us afloat. However, she was always willing to help and pitch in as that was her way of filling my bucket.
Taylor was a total mama's boy. He was my snuggler. If I was on the couch resting, he would be nuzzled against me giving me the best snuggles. He let it be known that he was a mama's boy, and he still does to this day if given the opportunity. He so wanted to be the man of the house... but struggled with that. He was such a little fella.
You... you are my vocal one that fills my bucket. You say the sweetest and kindest things to me. You hug me and grab my face and pull it in close to yours to tell me of your love for me. You absolutely make my heart smile time and time again.
When I was first diagnosed with cancer... at a young age of 29, I was devastated. Being a single mommy already was hard enough but so many thoughts ran through my mind. How would I take care of Amanda and Taylor? How sick would I get? What would happen to my kiddos if I died? One thing that ran through my mind over and over again... was... I wanted more babies. I was SO BLESSED to have Sis and Bubby, yet, I didn't feel like I was done. I wanted more. I wanted lots more. I went with my own treatment plan as the doctors wanted me to have a hysterectomy. I have always been stubborn like that. If I could possibly have another baby when I was done, it would be worth all of the treatments I would need to go through.
You can imagine my disappointment when the doctors told me after all of that trying, there was too much scar tissue and my body was unable to have babies. Why was I so sad. Again... I had two wonderful babies I loved and adored... why did I need another one? To tell you the truth I am not sure, I just followed what my heart was telling me and that was simply to mourn a loss of a child I didn't and never would have. I was heart broken. Even as Aunt Cackie told me she was having a baby... I was elated for her... yet... I hurt inside as that is what I wanted too. I would see babies and cry. I would watch the baby story on tv and I would cry. It was bittersweet for me. Sweet I had the chance to be a mommy... bitter as I wanted more.
When I became pregnant with you, there are no words to discribe how I felt. There are no words to tell you how strong I felt. I also felt scared. I had so many chemicals and poisons that had been given to me to rid the cancer... would any of them harm you. Not too many people were excited when they found out I was pregnant... but I was ELATED!!!! I was so excited. Your dad congradulated me when he found out. I just loved the fact I was going to get to be a mommy at least one more time.
We have had a lot of things in our lives the past few years that have been difficult. Amanda moving out, several times.... and each were heart breaking to me... even though that is how it was supposed to be. That is what kids do. Taylor being in crisis and being in a hospital for nearly a year was also so very difficult... on and off again for nearly a year. I look back on all of those days of trial...and days of pure sorrow at time. I didn't have anyone to lean on... I felt alone. But I would have this cute smiling face... I had this sweet baby girl that so needed me. I know the other kids needed me too... even more so than you did at that moment... yet... you were there reminding me that life has falls... but life has so much greatness to it as well. I am so glad that you are here with me. I am so glad you remind me each day that I am needed. I am so glad that I have a love with each of my babies that is unbreakable... unstoppable... so incredibly strong that I love each and every day that comes my way.
I now see you nurturing your baby dolls the way I nurtured you. I listen to the way you talk to them, and you love and hug them. I well with tears sometimes... all my babies are miracles, as all babies are.... yet... you were the one that the doctors told me I would never have. Now here you are bringing everyone smiles and laughter with your non stop chattering.
I love you Carlie girl...