There are things that I did, in my childhood and even growing up, that I find hard to forgive myself for. Things that were unkind... that were just plain ole not nice. There are things I did that I didn't understand, and there were things I did intentionally at times as well. I still find it hard to forgive myself for those things. I can think of racist words that came out of my mouth that I didn't know were wrong, as I wasn't taught that. It is sad... I wasn't taught that. It makes my heart hurt. There are things that I learned just from my surroundings on how to handle issues... and I just didn't have the proper tools to handle things well. I still can think of moments in time where things were said... or I did something, and my eyes still fill with hot tears that stream down my face. I can't change the past... I could only change my future. I had to be my own teacher. BUT... aren't we all our own teacher in a sense? This is not a poor pity party to feel sorry for me... as I dislike pity. This is reality. This is my world. This is how it was and how I turned out.
Those people have surely forgiven me. Those people might say they have forgotten, and perhaps they have. Maybe it was not a huge impact on them as it was on me. I have changed for the better, but forgiven myself? Uhm... I am not sure that has happened. I am not sure I have done, or ever can fully forgive myself for some of my past doings. It is odd. I have many people that have hurt me in my past. Many. Many... many. Yet, I find it so easy to forgive them. I find it so easy to say, they are a child of God, they are no better and no worse than I am. We are all messed up in one way or another, so who would I be to not forgive them? A princess on her high throne? Certainly not me, I am not a princess or a queen or royalty in any sense of the word. And with that in mind, who the heck are they... celebrities, people in the public eye, government officials... they are no more a person of perfection that you or anyone else. I don't want to hold resentment inside as it just eats away at my soul.
I love who I have become. I teach my kids right from wrong. I teach them to love with all their heart. They fail. I stand beside them and encourage them. I don't know I was supported and encouraged as I failed in life. We all fail. It is human, it is natural. I show my kids unconditional love. They may be busy in their own lives and I see them fly, yet, there needs to be balance so I keep them grounded as well with keeping in touch with them and making sure each of them has their own time with me.
I tell each of my kids they are my favoite. I never tell them when they are in the presence of their siblings. Then it is not a secret for them. It started with Mandie of course. Going through my divorce when she was so small, I would love and kiss on her and tell her she was my favorite person in the whole world. With that I was being honest. She was. Easily and undeniably my favorite person ever!!!
When I was pregnant with my middle child, my son... I would lay in bed and cry. I cried for Mandie and I cried for Taylor. My heart hurt for them both so much. I knew I would be taking some of my love away from sis to give to her new sibling. I simply didn't know how that would ever be possible. My heart ached for her. She had been my everything. My world. I cried for Taylor. How would this little man ever feel loved as my love for him would never be what I was able to give Mandie.... as she had been the only child. I wanted him to feel that. I wanted him to be my world.
Well... the moment of truth came. When I delivered my son... HE WAS MY WORLD! But, surprisingly, all I wanted to do is get sissy there to help celebrate our new family. I wanted her to feel the joy of this little man in my arms. I promised him the world as I had promised her. I am not sure how much of the world I have provided those babies, yet, I have given it my all. I loved her. She was still my favorite. Yet, I loved him, and he was my favorite. YET... there's a new girl in town. Her name is Carlie... and she is my favorite.
I know I am rambling and I have gotten side tracked... by I am giving you me... the way I think... this is how it is... my life.
One thing I have said over and over in life, is I will not hurt you. I should have been saying, I will not hurt you intentionally. Not hurting someone is unrealistic at the very least. I think of those words and I tear up. I know I am going to hurt people. I know that, for once again, I am not perfect... far from perfect, and someone shattered and broken in many ways. Yet, I lead my life loving with all of my heart. I try to do good. I try to be kind. I try to be generous where anything I have I will share with you... and your needs are more important than mine. I am devoted to loving people. I am devoted to supporting people. I am devoted to making the strongest relationships I can.
From time to time, I get scared. I run. I run in fear I am hurting others. I run in fear I am not good enough or deserving enough for them. Logically I know I am as good as anyone else... and I can think that all day long, yet, in my heart, the fears come out like an ocean being held back with a simple wall made of plastic. It won't work. So I keep soul searching... treading water. I keep looking for answers. Even when I have hurt another... I don't want to have them out of my life. I still want to support and nurture them. I still want the best for them.
I have hurt someone, with my words and my actions. It was not on purpose. It wans't intentional. It was me, doing what I do best... complicating things. I reach out, they won't grab. The one person who may not have forgiven me. My heart hurts. I pray. I think. I cry. I can't forgive myself.
I go about my day with somewhat of a smile... pretending as I have a daughter here at home and two kids and a grandchild. They need me. I need them. I push everything down... everything back... and yet... I have hurt somebody. My heart gets heavier. My brain doesn't rest.