Today I have to think....

Today a good man was put to rest. Today, the final good byes, yet, not the final tears for those that love and admire him. The way he touched others lives so genuinely and completely with his heart. That is a sad day. There are good people in the world, and he was one of them. He was one of the good ones.

I sit, and I think of my life. He didn't leave that day to go for a ride knowing he would never come home to his wife and kids. He just didn't. Unless we are dying of a disease that will take us, most of us don't know when that moment is going to be. None of us really know... ya know. We might know an end is near... we might know we need to make memories now with our loved ones and our friends... but we don't know that moment.

I hope I die a death when I know it is coming soon. I hope the doctors, at that time call my family and tell them the time is near. I hope I am with my kids and the people I love when I close my eyes for the last time. *** Note to anyone in the room with me when it is my time... if I die with my eyes open.... for GAWD SAKE please close my eyelids.... please. SMILING but so serious. Please... if you are with me when I die...give my kids a hug and tell them how much each of them meant to me. Please get the letters I will leave for each of them, and each of my grandkids under my mattress.... please give them time to read it on their own, but be there for them in case they need someone to talk to. When I die... please play Garth Brooks song, we will be free.... and when that is done... please play another Garth Brooks song... I got friends... and please sing along. Please give my kids a cd I will also have made for them... with *our song* that I have with each of them... and the song, Wind Beneath My Wings by Bette Midler, and It Will Be Me by Melissa Etheridge. I will write the story of each of the births and put it in each of their envelopes as they will want to hear it one last time... they way they still do. I will tell them of how excited I was to hold each of them and look in their eyes the moment I held them. I will write how I was moved to tears in awwwwww of how much they owned my heart. Yes... God... please let me live a long and slow death so I can do all of these things. I love food. You better do a potluck, and there better be good food. Kday, you better open a cookbook and cook a recipe from that cookbook... and laugh the whole time... knowing how much you hate to cook but you are doing it for me. Rhonda, you go and talk to everyone and let it be cheery and smiley... as that is just your way... the nurturer. Kara, please convince Kday to lick her plate when it is done just for one last laugh. Holli can perform and tap dance for everyone... or better yet... do some fabulous song from Broadway. Dawn, mix the margaritas, Paula, sing Ice Castles... No... better yet... sing Photograph by Kidd Rock... Dawn can be your Sheryl Crow. Kerri, comfort my son, he will need it the most. Carol and Dru, please plan the after ceremony at Mo's. Don't buy me a fancy coffin, put me in a paper bag for all I care. Do it the cheapest way possible... I don't want to burden people with expense. I will be gone... I won't care. Keep your satin and ribbon. Don't worry about roses or big sprays of flowers. Pick me dandilions like my kids used to do. I love the dandilions. They make me smile. I am not going to tell you not to cry. CRY. I am a crier... and I will be watching... and if you don't cry, I may haunt your house. SERIOUSLY!!!! Kim will tell you stories of my older kids as children and Taylor puking on her wood floor from eating too much pepperoni on Christmas Eve. Dance... and sing... and hug... and remember times of laughter. That is what I want. I want to wear something that doesn't match... at all. Seriously... we put too much thought into our appearance... I will be at a place in my life... that I don't care... DEAD... I just won't care. Lynda, you can smoke one cigarette that day if you must... but only one... Krysta... I would like you to put a cup of coffee in my paper bag... I want into the pearly gates with a cup of coffee.... and stand up and yell as loud as you can... Wendy ordered some HAWT WANGS... and you better have truck loads of HAWT WANGS to share with everyone... it can be with blue cheese or ranch, I don't care. Tell G he is a good man and I am glad he is the dad to our children. Tell those that hurt me, I am ok, and I forgive them and I am sorry if I hurt them as well. Tammy will teach people the hustle... 70s style... and she will rock the dance floor. Eat cupcakes and mudd pie. Listen to my brother Troy tell stories, you will laugh your ass off... and my brother Jared will join in. My sister, Cami, she will know that I cherish the bond with her. She will dance to Rag Doll by Aerosmith if you really push her to. Ask Brandi if she will bake peach pies for everyone to have a slice... I am not sure if she will but, I hope she will. Play, sometime during the night... Happy Trails by Van Halen, as that is always a good memory of leaving school. Roger will show a soft side to himself, and not the tough cop exterior he hides behind at times... but the sweet caring man that has been my best friend since Alaska. Penny and Pam will cry... they are criers too... and Laurel... she will be passing out maple bars topped with bacon... as our adventures will fill her head, and she will smile. The men that hurt me, you are welcome to join... as I forgive you. Without you I would not be the woman that I am today... strong... well, trying to be strong. Yes, GAWD, please let me know when I am going to die. Don't donate my parts to others... my parts are worn out. Put them to rest. If I was healthier, younger, that would be one thing... but this body has seen its share of hurts... BUT... if I have any kidney stones at the time... have them extracted and plant them in the drink of someone that pissed me off in traffic. That is much better than flipping someone off for sure. So I have coffee in one hand, in my paper bag... someone please put a coor lite with bloody mix in it, in the other hand... I will drink it fast on my way up... this will be most appreciated if it is hot out. While I am laying there, please make sure I am sucking in my gut and I don't have anything in my teeth. Some of you read this and think I am kidding... I am not kidding. Out of all of this... what I want you to remember most... is to love on my kids and my grandbabies and tell them that they are my world. They are all that is good.... they are my riches and my wealth. They are what makes my heart so very happy... and I am so blessed to be their mom. Each of them has helped me grow in differnt ways. God knew I needed each of them in my life... He knows all...

From now until then... I need to figure out if I am living my life right. I need to check my bucket list... what is it that I need to cross off...

Singing karioke solo style... fat chance...
Rocking sick babies in Africa (for all of you that sit and think of half of them having aids, which you so freely share with me... and those that think I need to give within my country... well... I will be safe from the AIDS... and I do help with things within my country... do you?)
I want to cater... I want to have a bake shop/deli
I want to have a food truck to serve food to hungry construction workers, and soccer players, and baseball players...
I want to hike through Europe...
I want to watch anther sunset in Alaska
I want to let all those that I love, just how special they are to me...
I want to see a sunset in Maine
I want to travel through New England in the Fall
I want to get my kids all to Southern California yet again... as that is what they like to do
I want to forgive more freely
I want to volunteer more of my time to my community
I want to go in a movie theater and laugh so hard that I can't stop and they ask me to leave... that kind of laugh...
I want to see the ballet
I want to travel through Europe... hiking....
I want to go on a tv game show... just for the fun of it...
I want to walk up to someone in the grocery store and pay for the cart of groceries...
I want to have coffee in a diner and leave a 100 dollar bill... again
I want to sit with all three of my siblings and just tell them how much they each mean to me. Not in actions.... but choke through the sobs and let them know how they meant so much to me as we grew up....
I want to reach 500 people in one day handing out sack lunches downtown. The most I have done thus far in one day is 200...
I want to go to Georgia... and see the trees blossom
I want to go to Mardi Gras...
I want to go back to Flatlands and learn more....
I want to run through the sprinkler with the kids... let them forget they are adults... and just run through the sprinkler with Carlie and Bella...
I want to kiss and dance in the rain...
I want to find Dawna Clark...
I want to go to Seattle with Krysta...
I want to see Carlie swim with dolphins just like my other two kids did....
I want to backpack in the mountains...
I want to over come my fear and hike down the Grand Canyon


I will keep adding onto this... as there is way so much I want to do...

I want to be the kind of mom my kids remember me fondly
I want to be the kind of friend my friends remember and they laugh... or cry...
I want to be the sister and aunt that my family knows they can depend upon me...
I want to be a worker that is responsible and reliable
I want to be a neighbor that is good to the others
I want to keep volunteering in my daughters school so that she knows I care and it helps the kids
I want to advocate for kids that need someone to have a voice in this world, those that are forgotten
I want to take Carlie to visit the elderly in nursing homes, as often they are also the forgotten
I want to sit with a homeless person for a full night... and learn their story.